Swan’s Diary Entry 1: It’s my Anxiety

Dear Dairy,

It’s been a minute since I spontaneously decided to stop making YouTube videos. I instantly felt a wave of relief after making this decision, but pretty soon after, the pressure I was feeling came right back.

I don’t know how to describe it, but the feeling was similar to what one feels when you think you’re behind on an assignment, but you graduated from school years ago. I uploaded my videos on Saturdays, so by Wednesday, this pressure consumes me, and it feels hard to breathe.

I kept repeating to myself, “I’m taking a break, I’m taking a break, I’m taking a break” over and over again, practically screaming the words out loud.

No matter what I did, the heavy feeling persisted.

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The feeling only seemed to ease when I created something.

I came to this conclusion when, out of desperation, I decided to make a TikTok video. It’s not as much work as a full-length video, but it’s a video nonetheless.

When I started sketching, the weight slowly lifted off me, and I forgot all about making a TikTok video and just created for myself.

It felt so good.

(A look at what I created that day)

I did not end up filming my process, but I did still made a TikTok of my experience. You can see it here.

You have no idea how good this felt, Diary. I realised that most, if not all, of my art was made for content. I can’t even remember the last time I created something purely for my own enjoyment.

My problem did not entirely go away, of course, because the very next Wednesday, the feeling came right back, lol. (I can only laugh at this now) At least I know what direction to go now when the pressure appears.

Welp, thanks for listening to me ramble, Dairy. Writing this all down sure helps me organise my thoughts.

T.T.F.N Dairy,

(Ta Ta For Now)